After all the December holiday media buzz, and with January attention focused on distressing events here and in Israel, there was little interfaith family inclusion news to report – until this week.
Jewish Families Today
This past Monday, eJewishPhilanthropy reported that Rosov Consulting released an important qualitative study, Jewish Families Today. The study focused on Jewish families with diverse backgrounds and identities, especially families not deeply involved in Jewish communities and institutions, with data generated from 40 focus groups and 40 individual interviews. It reports that parents want to build strong Jewish identities in their children, in homes that are also tolerant and inclusive of multiple heritages and faiths.
For the Center’s purposes, what’s most relevant are the “bumps, obstacles and difficult contexts” families face. In addition to cost, geographic distance, and political polarization, “Families with marginalized identities – whether interfaith, LGBTQ+, or multiracial – often feel sidelined within traditional Jewish institutions, encountering subtle or overt exclusion.” Parents of children who have multiple identities “are especially aware that prejudice exists toward some, all, or simply the combination of these identities on the part of others, including in Jewish spaces.”
A key finding is that parents are “desperate” for community. They are not fleeing traditional institutions, but are looking for congregations that are inclusive of them. One parent said that the webpages of local synagogues did not have any kind of message explicitly addressed to interfaith families telling them who they could contact or what to expect. They are looking for “early signals of inclusion.” “Many families seek clear commitments to inclusivity that some institutions have been hesitant to extend.”
One interfaith couple had a lukewarm experience in Jewish institutions but were “actively engaged by their neighborhood Catholic church.” The study warns that “families who belong to more than one faith community may opt to participate in the non-Jewish one if it is more accessible and welcoming.” “Intentional, explicit practices of inclusion are essential if Jewish institutions are to attract families with marginalized identities.” “Families are “simply struggling to find communities … that “walk the walk” when it comes to including diverse families and where they know they will be welcomed and affirmed for their whole selves.”
I wish that the report had delved more into what underlies the prejudice or exclusion that some families experience. The Center’s theory is that interfaith families will engage Jewishly if the partners from different faith backgrounds are considered and treated as equal; they experience prejudice or exclusion when they are considered as lesser and their participation is restricted. It’s not clear from the report whether the study participants experienced this or not.
One of the study’s key recommendations is to “shift culture to become a more inclusive and welcoming community,” noting that “Even when synagogues and organizations attempt to welcome Jewish families with intersectional identities, challenges can exist in the interpersonal interactions within the community.” The Center believes that adapting how Jews think about and treat partners from different faith backgrounds is essential to any shift in culture towards inclusion.
Thinking Beyond Jewish Continuity
Then this past Tuesday, eJewishPhilanthropy published Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz’ “Thinking Beyond ‘Jewish Continuity.’” It’s very worth reading; I agree with Rabbi Shmuly’s call to go beyond defensive fear and be aspirational about fostering robust Jewish community, to “go deep” and to “feed souls.”
In describing the conversation we need to go beyond, he says “Jews are assimilating. Younger Jews are intermarrying,…” There’s a hint there of equating intermarrying with assimilating, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the way Rabbi Shmuly thinks. I do wish that he had explicitly included appealing to interfaith couples and partners from different faith backgrounds when describing his five ideas for cultivating a shift.
The Impact of October 7 on Interfaith Couples, Families and Professionals
18Doors has released an excellent resource with research and discussion questions for couples, grandparents, and professionals. “It behooves the Jewish community to lean into loving relationships when they exist. We need to welcome anyone and everyone who wants to be Jewish, anyone who is throwing their lot in with the Jews or is related to a Jewish person. These people can be among our greatest strengths.”
In Other News
“Relationship advice: Your duty to the Jewish people matters more than what makes you happy” is an awful piece in the Jerusalem Post by Rav Hayim Leiter, an Orthodox rabbi in Israel, who says “our priorities need to be building and raising healthy Jewish families, and there’s no way to do that when marrying out.”
A year ago, Rav Leiter responded to a mother, who felt strongly after October 7 that her children and her family are Jewish, writing that her children aren’t Jewish because Judaism is “transmitted through the maternal line.” As I said in our February 2024 newsletter, that was cruel, insensitive, “false as to much of the Jewish world outside Rav Leiter’s Orthodox lane, and counter-productive to anyone who wants to see the number of Jewishly-engaged people expand.”
It’s unfortunate that those like Rav Leiter can’t respect that there is more than one way to be Jewish, or see the benefit to the Jewish people overall of including interfaith families. It’s unfortunate that their hostile views continue to be expressed.
Cantor Rabbi Mark Goldman, who serves a Reform synagogue in Florida, wrote two interesting but curious posts in the Times of Israel blogs. In the first, he questions whether the approach he has taken to interfaith couples, conditioning wedding officiation on their committing to raising a Jewish family and taking an introduction to Judaism course, is productive, or instead leads couples to not work with him. That’s a very good question.
But in the second, he writes that “without structured opportunities to continue engaging in Jewish life, many [young adult Jews] drift away, making intermarriage more likely… If young Jews lack community during this stage, their likelihood of marrying outside the faith increases significantly.” He urges expansion of opportunities for young adult Jews to have “appealing, contemporary experiences [to] make Judaism feel accessible and relevant.” It’s ill-advised to make the goal of engagement opportunities to make interfaith marriage less likely. Why not be explicitly clear that the opportunities are for young adult Jews who are in interfaith relationships too, with the goal of interfaith couples experiencing Judaism as accessible and relevant?
The Wall Street Journal published “Jewish Identity in Crisis” (at page 35), a review of books including If You Will It by Elliot Abrams. I haven’t read the book yet; the reviewer says that peoplehood is the book’s “key word” and quotes Abrams as saying ““The underlying problem is that a striking proportion of American Jews have very weak feelings about being part of the Jewish people in anyway at all.” In the past, Abrams was no friend of interfaith marriage; it’s interesting and hopeful that the review at least doesn’t reflect any blaming of interfaith marriage for weakening feelings of peoplehood. Moreover, to strengthen peoplehood, it’s all the more important to be inclusive of interfaith families.
In a similar vein, eJewishPhilanthropy reported that a group of 40 Israeli leaders convened to discuss Jewish cultural (as opposed to religious) identity. It is interesting and hopeful that they spoke of those who married “outside the tribe” in a non-judgmental way:
True, these young Jewish adults are often not observant and do not belong to traditional or institutional Jewish frameworks, which may seem “too religious” or irrelevant to their Jewish identity and life choices (particularly for LGBTQ and those who marry “outside the tribe”). Nevertheless, their Jewish identity is present and meaningful in their lives. They describe taking pride in their Jewish identity, celebrating holidays, feeling a sense of tribalism and connecting to Judaism through family and pluralistic values. Additionally, as we’ve seen over the past year, they are not indifferent to Israel. Focusing on what they are and using positive terms rather than “un-” to describe them is the first cornerstone of creating a more meaningful Jewish cultural identity.
“How Jewish Identity Is Formed Matters” is a very interesting op-ed that’s not directly about interfaith marriage. The author, Rabbi Yehudah Potok, is the senior director of the Jewish Education Program at Facing History and Ourselves. One comment that struck me: “when a person finds security and comfort in one’s own identity, they generally do not feel as threatened by the identity of others. Developing a strong sense of self promotes empathy and inclusivity.” That made me wonder whether, if we were more secure and comfortable in our Jewish identity, we’d be more inclusive of and not threatened by interfaith marriage and partners from different faith backgrounds.
Finally, in an interesting sign of the times, the Conservative movement in the UK is offering a discussion course for mixed-faith couples. The course is “designed to help couples think about what a mixed-faith relationship means, and a brief introduction to Jewish life and practice.” The course “isn’t about conversion, although conversion may be something that couples are thinking about.” It notes that “Masorti rabbis do not officiate at mixed-faith ceremonies, although mixed-faith couples are welcome to join Masorti synagogues.”
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